I deal with anxiety almost daily. Sometimes the day is going just fine, just great, and then I am triggered by something that seems extremely small to others and seems extremely small to my inner voice. The inner voice that says, “Kimm, this is nothing. ” But my skin is still crawling because I just cleaned the floor and now it’s dusty again, as if we live in the desert. And we do.
Anxiety is almost like the polar opposite of clinical depression. At least that’s how I understand it from my best friend Andie, who has dealt with the disease of depression mostly all of her life. When it strikes, Andie says that she doesn’t feel anything. She is not sad and there is nothing I can do. Anxiety, at least my own version, is the opposite. I feel EVERYTHING! The day’s mundane happenings can send my blood pressure through the roof and I am constantly talking to myself and keeping myself sensible and calm. Some days it works, some days, it doesn’t. I just flip like a crazy person and talk for 30 minutes about a situation that only deserved five. At least that’s what a normal person would think. But,… I’m not normal.
I have to admit that I still don’t know much about anxiety, especially when it seems like a lifelong disease. I don’t even know if it counts as a disease. What I do know, is that I cannot be alone in this feeling. And if you are resonating with this story, maybe you should see a doctor. I am lucky to have a best friend that made sure I found a good doctor and yes, I do medicate myself for this condition, but I swear that sometimes the meds are like Tic-Tacs. They don’t seem to help at all. Other times, I think about the fact that without them, I may be worse, so maybe they are helping. I go back and forth.
I am sharing this for myself and for anyone out there who has never said, “I deal with chronic anxiety just about every day of my life.” I’m not alone, you’re not alone. And shame is not going to heal anything. Maybe meds are not for you, but they help me to have a semi-normal and happy life. I still feel the itch, the aggravation of life crawling up and down my skin, but I know what it is now, and that alone helps me to cope.
Anxiety and depression seem to be running rampant these days. Maybe it’s the times we live in, the world we live in. Maybe we are feeling the pains of those we can’t seem to help, those who have forever been without a voice. Maybe, it all gets to be too much. I guess I want to say that my condition, your condition, doesn’t make any of us less spiritual, less loving, less aware, less awake. We don’t need to feel ashamed because we are not perfect. No one is, whether they admit it or not.
Let’s shine our entire light upon this world and stop keeping secrets from ourselves and others. We may just find that other lightworkers have the same health issues, the same mental issues. We may find another family to support and be supported by.
My name is Kimm Smith and I deal with crazy anxiety almost every day of my life.