I have always known deep inside that I was Spirit having a human experience. When spiritual teachers began to announce it everywhere, in books, on TV, the internet, it was simply validation for what I had already discovered. I could guess that it is this way for many of you as well. And in that knowing, I also knew that my human body was, and is affected by my thoughts, secrets, fears, traumas, and all that comes with Life. Over the years, I stored many of these emotions, in my belly; fear of not being able to care for myself financially, shame over having married someone knowing that I really wanted to be free, grief over the loss of my mother, and many others in my family. It is never a good thing to store emotions inside of us, like canned goods, packed in a cupboard. I know this now.
My emotions soon transformed themselves into a fibroid tumor, that filled my uterus. It happened slowly, but continuously, this thankfully, benign tumor, filled my empty spaces. I went to a few doctors when I started to notice the tumor, and its presence began to change my life. My male gynecologist told me not to worry about it; when I menopause it will shrink and eventually disappear. I was only 35 at the time, and the women in my family don’t hit menopause until well into their fifties. I was disappointed in his suggestion, that my swollen hurting abdomen and vicious menstrual cycles, were “nothing to worry about”. As I continued to worry, the tumor continued to grow.
I lived many years without health insurance. I could not afford it, and didn’t know how to get around that fact. As a freelance worker, I wasn’t sure what my options were, so I prayed, meditated, and hoped, that someday, relief would find me, because I was certainly looking hard for IT.
As I took a huge leap of faith and moved from my lifelong hometown of Philadelphia to a small quirky town in South Florida, I was able to obtain a great health insurance plan made especially for artistic beatniks like myself. After getting insurance, it took me a few months to find the right doctor to participate in my healing. There are many things I know about fibroids; they most often affect African-American women and Jewish women, we share a history of pain, inherited from our mothers, and grandmothers; and I also know that if they are removed, they will most likely grow again. I was aware that I had to begin dealing with those “canned goods”, hidden tears, stifled screams, unreleased anger, even the laughter I was “too strong” to release. I knew that if I didn’t do the work, the real work, these emotions would only transform themselves into something else inside my body.
After a few trying months of searching, I found a great doctor who would NOT know that she would be involved in a physical and emotional healing process with me the entire summer. My tumor was so huge by this time, the best option for me was a total hysterectomy. I was ready. I was ready to return my uterus. Thank you for the time you’ve spent with me, but now it’s time for us to part. As an African-American woman, I had heard so many stories and seen so many women, hesitant or afraid to let go of the uterus. Maybe this is true for many cultures, but I can only speak of the culture I know intimately. Many Black women feel shame or have misconceptions about what it is to have a hysterectomy. “I want to go to my grave with all my parts”, I have heard this too many times, and watched people die because of it. But I am now able to honor their choice. My choice was to heal in the best way for me.Aand for me, that manifested itself as a hysterectomy.
I had the surgery, with a few complications, but I am here today to speak about the end result. I am happier, healthier, more lively and vibrant, than I have ever been. Even though I spent an entire summer healing from the complications of my surgery, and was many times, afraid that the physical healing would never come; I would go through each and every moment of it again to experience the freedom and life force, that flows through me now. In my experience, my uterus was such a small price to pay, because now I am filled with the feeling of possibility, that child-like tingling in my belly, the wonder of how my body can heal, and my new powerful and huge sense of gratitude for doctors and nurses.
I am fully recovered, but the healing process continues daily, as it should. Each day as I live in this newly found freedom, I sit, sleep, walk, stand, in gratitude for everything that joins me on this path. A hysterectomy is not right for EVERYONE, nothing is. But it was the right choice for my life. My body is responding to the good feeling and certainty that I had about this decision. I feel great and more filled with life than I can ever remember feeling. I returned my uterus, in exchange for Life, as I desired it to be. My prayer is always that each of you, can sit in a place of knowing what is right for you, and bring forth the courage to act upon that knowing.
We believe that everyone has, and serves a great purpose in this human form. Too many people worry about their purpose NOT being big enough, or important enough. The very meaning of the word, makes it inherently important. All of us play incredibly significant roles in the Universal flow. If we can surrender to that thought, and release some resistance, then Life, in all its glory, can express itself through us freely, powerfully, and creatively. You don’t need to be “like” anyone else, to be an important part of this magnificent Expression. You only need to be fully YOU.
Kimm, Your Conscious Techno-Geek