My Struggle with Meditation

photo credit: radioher via photopin cc
photo credit: radioher via photopin cc

When you are considered among the New Age spiritualists, it is assumed that you meditate…everyday…for about an hour, and enjoy it immensely. I am here to say that I do not…meditate everyday, and when I do, it’s nowhere near an hour, and here comes the kicker, the controversial moment, I can’t say that I enjoy it, because I’m usually in a pretty good mood anyway, and meditation doesn’t altar that state.

I am clearly educated on the multitude of health benefits of meditating regularly. I even sign up for Oprah and Deepak’s 21 day meditation series each season. Some mornings I listen, other mornings, it never crosses my mind. I have been at this meditation thing for almost a couple of decades now and I never truly give up. But as I told Andie, I don’t feel anything. I don’t feel any differently. For me, nothing happens but that which is already happening in my present moment. I’m naturally a results oriented individual, and I don’t need to be told that meditation is not about results. That much I understand. But we are all different, and for me, I like to experience changes, growth, metamorphosis in my practice. In many ways, I love this about myself, because this expectation shows up in my spiritual growth. I am more compassionate than I used to be, more loving and open to love, more creative, less judgmental of myself and others, and I can get on elevators without fainting; why?, because I’ve done the work. And I expected that the work to change me; and it did, and it is.

But back to this thing called meditation, I may continue to try, I may not. I may seek alternative forms of the process, something that suits the brain I have. However, in the interim, I do love, and enjoy many things; incense in the mornings and late at night, the feel of my tarot cards, my Hello Kitty dispenser that sits on my altar/bookcase at the foot of my cozy bed. I love listening to, and applying practical spiritual practices into my life. I love freedom. I love the night sky, I love wine while I’m focusing on my matron deity, Nyx, goddess of the night. And all these things make feel good, altered, different, touched by something divine.

I don’t get that experience from meditation. In my former years of deep Buddhist practice, my mentor said, about most every thing, “Try it. See if it works. If it works for you, stick with it, if it does not, then stop.” Is there a place for people like me in this New Age community? I’m sure the jury is still out on that one.

Tomorrow, I may decide to try meditation again, or maybe not. I want to feel touched by the Divine, and there are many things that do it for me. Meditation is not on the list.

Kimm

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